Support Isn't Blind
Unconditional Encouragement Hurts People
I am grateful for people’s support in my life. To some extent, that means the people who support my work (books, documentaries, YouTube, etc.), but it also means the reliable council of the company I keep.
Support should mean standing by someone in a way that fosters their growth, holds them accountable, and encourages them to be their best selves. To support someone means being a steady presence in their life, offering guidance and, sometimes, a necessary reality check. True support is multifaceted—it provides comfort in times of need but also challenges individuals to face their struggles, make difficult decisions, and grow from their experiences.
As much as most of us don’t want to admit it, beyond affirmation and empathy, we need at least some constructive criticism from others to grow. Building skills, perspective, and strength to tackle challenges on our own does require help from others—it takes a village, as they say. But that comes with the understanding that sometimes, the most supportive thing one can do is push someone to confront what they’d rather avoid.
As I have gotten older, I have seen the concept of “support” gradually change from being an anchor that helps people stay grounded to something more akin to blind affirmation.
"Support" isn’t "do whatever the fuck you want to, and I will still be nice to you!"
Yet, this seems to be increasingly prevalent as people become more atomized and avoidant. The idea that true support means never questioning or challenging someone’s actions is flawed and detrimental.
When we genuinely care about someone—whether a friend, a partner, a co-worker, etc.—our support should be honest, even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s about fostering growth and development, not saying “yes” regardless of a person’s actions.
This doesn’t mean tearing someone down or being cruel, but when someone is doing something that is going to hurt them, support means telling them so. That doesn’t mean they’ll listen and instead do something that doesn’t hurt them, and we shouldn’t attempt to control others.
When someone says, “I’m pursuing my passion project and hoping to find success,” it’s supportive for a friend to respond with, “That’s awesome! Go for it!”
However, if that same person decides to quit their job without a backup plan or savings to pursue their passion project, it’s not truly supportive for the friend to say, “I’ll support you no matter what.” Instead, real support might involve encouraging them to consider the practicalities and risks, and to plan a more secure path toward their goals (one which allows them to be creative without running out of food or missing rent and bills).
True support requires a delicate balance between empathy and honesty. It’s about recognizing when to provide comfort and when to challenge someone to face uncomfortable truths.
We must offer encouragement and the courage to say, “I care about you too much to let you make this mistake without speaking up.” Many have given me this kind of practical consideration, and I am successful today on my own terms.
Have I listened every time? No, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t affect me – or… maybe I should have listened!